Maybe this time
by Iamawitch
Summary: It has never been an option. When you fall in love, you fall. You fall deep. Based on CP Coulter's Dalton. Jogan


**Disclaimer:** All characters belong to Glee and Mama CP Coulter

**A/N:** This fic is actually Julian's confession scene in the Art Hall (see Dalton E26: Hell Night), only written in Julian's point of view, so some of the materials are directly copied from 'Dalton'. As for the memories, they are based on the Dalton side stories. Hope you guys enjoy it!

* * *

><p><em>Look for the light! Don't look at the camera. And smile!<em>

Through the raging fire and haze that's been clogging his view, Julian Larson did find the light.

Someone just banged the double doors of the inner room wide open. Light from the outside seeped in, just like hope had seeped into his heart when he saw two figures coming in.

One of them was a Battle Angel.

Even though his armour was scratched, with his great white wings torn and the feathers blazed, he was still standing tall and straight, holding an axe with grace and determination.

_They were coming for us._

But when Julian blinked for a few time to clear away the fog, he saw that standing next to Blaine, who was obviously here for Kurt was…

_No._

It's Logan.

"What are you _doing_ here?" he screamed. "You're not supposed to be here!"

_He just got drugged. Obviously he's not stable enough to – _

_Of course._

_He's also here for Kurt._

Julian wondered why it took him so long to even figure that out.

0 0 0

"_You know what a heart is because I showed you."_

_Julian never thought he would meet a boy that was as demanding and as spoiled as him._

_Only he could order people around._

_Only he could be the center of attention and the brightest kid._

"_Do you know what a heart does?" The blond boy who called himself Logan continued._

_Julian wasn't going to let him win again. _

"_They beat. Just like this: Ba-dump. Ba-dump." He answered with a smug as he put his hand on his right chest._

"_Mummy said you use your heart to love. And hey, your heart is supposed to be on the left." Logan said when he reached out for Julian's hand and put it on his own chest. "See?"_

_Julian didn't know why his cheeks suddenly went burning._

_He placed his other hand on the left side._

_It was thumping harder than usual._

0 0 0

He never knew why he had this_ thing_ for Art Halls.

He vaguely remembered that he had a lot of happy memories there. He loved drawing at the corner with the other children. There was one time when he got bored during the season hiatus of _"Something Damaged"_ that he re-watched those home videos that his dad used to film.

There was one peculiar thing about those videos.

Every time he saw his little-self drawing, there were always those two shapes.

Stars. And hearts.

He couldn't recall what was so special about them, but he seemed to like drawing them a lot. Even after his dad asked him to try drawing something else, Julian just persisted and drew those two shapes over and over again, as if he would forget what they looked like once he had stopped.

He had always had this thing for Art Halls.

And now he's going to die in one of them.

0 0 0

"_Mummy, are you going out again?" Julian asked as he tugged his mother's pants._

"_Yes, Jules. Be good, alright? I'll be back soon." Dolce Larson replied as she was applying mascara to her eyelashes._

"_Where are you going?"_

"_Mummy is going to see some drawings. Now stay here and I'm going to bring home some fruit tarts, okay?"_

Drawings? Perhaps he will see that blond boy there.

"_Can I come with you?"_

"_It may not be a good idea, honey," she answered with a bit of irritation. She was already running late._

"_Please? Let me come with you? Pretty please with sugar on top?" Julian pleaded._

_Dolce let out a sigh and kneeled beside her son. "Well, you have to promise to behave yourself. Don't get any more paint on your clothes this time. And remember, smile for the cameramen, promise?"_

As long as Logan's there…

"_I promise," he flashed his mother an angelic smile and fled to the door._

0 0 0

He's lucky, really, to be able to see Logan one last time.

His mind kept yelling, kept asking Logan to run but his heart just yearned for the Prefect's presence.

He's really a prima donna after all.

Even their goodbye had to be so melodramatic.

All these years, he really thought he could run away from Logan for good. But every time he just couldn't help but come back.

_Maybe this time…maybe this time it will be my turn._

He kept convincing himself with that.

It hurt to see him falling for someone else.

It hurt to see him _being_ with someone else.

Yet, he loved him too much to complain about it. He would just sit back and push the others to Logan. He didn't even want to get acknowledged for what he had done because…

Because deep down, he loathed himself for it.

He hated himself for being such a coward.

He hated himself for loving Logan this much.

0 0 0

_Julian always hated losing._

_After the tennis match, he decided to take a nap instead of indulging in another stupid video game with the other two._

_He was lying on the ground for some strange reasons._

_When he was trying to get up, he realized that his legs weren't working somehow._

That's odd. What was going on?

_Someone was approaching. Julian turned and saw the Knave walking to his direction. The Knave stopped and looked at him with a face of wonder and amazement. "Oh here you are. I've been looking for you forever, Cheshire." He gently picked him up from the ground._

_Julian wanted to protest at first but when he felt the knave slowly stroking him, he just closed his eyes in pleasure and purred._

_He could even feel the knave's heartbeat. Ba-dump. Ba-dump. It was strong and steady. _

_It sounded so familiar and comforting._

_Just when the knave was trying to murmur something in his ears, Julian felt someone else touching him. It was a feathery touch but right now, all he wanted was to hold on to this moment._

"_Mm…" Julian curled up a bit more in the knave's arm, feeling annoyed._

_It was then did he find out he couldn't feel the knave's warmth anymore. He looked down at his paws and he found that they were disappearing. He desperately tried to stay but he just slipped away, just like that._

_The next moment he knew, he was already on a tree hidden behind the branches. Julian tried to look for the knave but when he finally saw this opening from the leaves, there was a commotion. He saw the Knave chasing after three figures. First there was the White Rabbit crying "I'm late, I'm late!", then there was the Mock Turtle and finally, Alice._

_He didn't know why they were there or what was so interesting about them but the knave just went after those three, gradually disappearing from his view._

_Julian woke up with a gasp and found himself looking at the TV screen with the big words "You lose!"_

_Derek was gone._

_So was Logan._

_Julian always hated losing._

_Especially when he's losing to Logan._

_Or losing Logan altogether._

0 0 0

"Tell him," Adam said.

"No," he pleaded. "No, please."

_Not like this. _

Logan should never find out. He mattered too much.

Julian wanted to just leave, as if he had never existed.

He couldn't lose Logan.

_Not like this._

Before, he would have tried everything to catch his attention. What were all those jumping into the pool and leaning against the fence teasing Logan about otherwise? If Julian was a bit more honest with himself, he would have known that he was just trying to catch the squid's eyes.

He couldn't do this.

He wouldn't.

0 0 0

_Sometimes Julian wondered if he was actually going crazy._

_For no one sane would willingly fall back down to the rabbit hole after successfully climbing out._

_When he heard that there was a huge fallout with Logan and his two exes, he came back as soon as his work was wrapped up._

_But for the third time, he had missed his cue._

_Julian didn't know what the big deal was about this Hummel guy. He had to find out. And when he heard Kurt started singing with Logan, when he heard their voices harmonizing, entwining so perfectly, he could finally understand why so many people were falling head over heels for the countertenor._

_He tried to turn away but his legs just led him straight into the room._

_Because subconsciously, he wanted to see, with his very own eyes, that Kurt was making Logan happy._

_Then his job here would be done._

_Then he could really start trying to give up on Logan._

0 0 0

It was his entire fault that they had ended up in the Art Hall, getting captivated.

It was his entire fault that he had never gotten the love that he wanted.

Perhaps Derek was right. If he would stop being such an ass around Logan, Logan would know.

He would really _see_ him.

Julian tried. He really did.

He just kept losing his chances.

That time when he was about to leave Dalton for good, he really wanted to tell Logan. But when he was about to knock, he just couldn't bring himself to do it.

After all, would it really matter that Logan knew?

He's leaving. And he's never coming back.

There really was no point.

The other time, when he came back after Logan had broken up with Blaine, Julian thought he would somehow stand a chance.

_Maybe this time._

But when he turned around the corner, he saw them.

Logan was sitting at the bench with a Windsor, he had his arm around the other boy and they were having a really good time with all the tête à tête.

Julian tried to back away and leave Dalton, hoping that he could just leave without anyone spotting him, hoping that he wouldn't yet again be forced to see Logan being with someone else.

Only Derek was there, looking at him with a quizzical look.

Julian tried to compose himself and walked towards Derek. "Getting hooked up with another nutcase there?" he sneered and nodded at Logan's direction.

"That's Tipton's Windsor brother," Derek replied. "It's good to have you back, Jules. I can't stand His Majesty's tantrums all by myself anymore. Even dating couldn't tame that beast."

Julian was hardly factoring all this in. He just kept standing there, staring at the couple.

It made him sick.

Even now, with the psychopath keeping him hostage, he wasn't thinking of whether he would be able to get out of here alive.

He didn't expect to.

People said when one's about to die, they would have flashbacks of the person that's most important to them.

They were right.

Julian kept thinking of Logan.

Only, in those memories, he wasn't really there with Logan. He just stood by the side, hidden away from sight, watching Logan spending time with the people that the Prefect found _interesting_.

0 0 0

_Julian snapped the phone shut after calling Carmen and threw the red rose away._

_He missed the bin and when he tried to put it back, he saw a picture of him and the other two among the trash._

_He didn't know why it was in there because pictures with the trio all together were just so rare and so precious to him. They were posing under the Stuart House motto: _Coffee solves everything!

_If only things were this simple._

_They were happy back then. It was taken back when Julian didn't know about these feelings for Logan. Things were so much better at that time._

_No drama. No heartbreaks._

_Julian felt his eyes swelling. _

Don't do this, Julian. Not for the second time, control yourself.

_He held back a sob. _

_There, that's better._

_That's perfect._

_Always perfect._

_He had to get out of here. It's too much, he's suffocating._

_Derek barged into his room just when he was about to go out and get some fresh air._

"_Knock next time before you come in. Stop acting like you freaking own this place." Julian said, shooting Derek a glare._

"_Look who's talking. What's wrong with you?" Derek replied nonchalantly._

"_No, what's wrong with _you_? What was that about in Logan's room? Saying that we were shamelessly flirting?" Julian snapped._

"_Bite me, Julian. I don't need to take this crap from you. Is this about Logan spending so much time with Kurt?" When Julian didn't reply, Derek continued. "Logan's taking his medication and he seems to be happy. I have to say I'm relieved. I don't understand why you get so worked up like this. You just have this negative vibe with you whenever Logan's around. You can't start acting like you care all of a sudden. You don't have a right to, you weren't here for most of the time."_

"_No, I don't get to. And I honestly don't care," he walked out without even sparing Derek a glance._

0 0 0

He was tired.

So tired.

He had to put a stop to this.

It was weird how at this critical moment, he would think of that song from Cabaret.

_Maybe this time, I'll be lucky  
>Maybe this time he'll stay<br>Maybe this time, for the first time  
>Love won't hurry away<em>

"Tell him or I'll kill him, Julian – I will!" Adam screamed.

He had attended so many award shows. He was always so charming, giving out witty acceptance speeches. But when he was about to tell Logan that he loved him, he couldn't seem to be able to utter a word.

_He will hold me fast  
>I'll be home at last<br>Not a loser anymore  
>Like the last time, and the time before<em>

He couldn't hold back the tears anymore, he just couldn't.

He had tried to act like he didn't care for three bloody years.

This was not the time to be perfect.

"All right!" he choked out.

This was life and death, he owed them this much.

He owed himself this much.

_Everybody loves a winner  
>So nobody loved me<br>Lady peaceful, Lady happy  
>That's what I long to be<em>

He looked straight into those piercing green eyes and whispered, "…I'm in love with you."

"No," Logan choked. "That's…that's impossible. This is, this can't be – "

Julian felt the blade digging into his neck a little deeper, and saw Adam lunging at him, forcing him to press against the wall.

This might be his last chance.

"I was going to leave—I gave up on you. I tried to help you with Kurt in every way I can, but nothing worked. And I got too worked up—it affected me too much. After the fair, I just gave up. I couldn't stand watching you watch Kurt and completely look through me—you've never loved anyone like you loved him and it was just too hard for me to watch—!"

"Shut up—!"

_All of the odds are, they're in my favor  
>Something's bound to begin<br>It's gonna happen  
>Happen sometime<br>Maybe this time I'll win_

There's no going back now.

He couldn't stop himself, everything just poured out.

He would tell him, everything.

When he still got the time, when he still got the guts.

"—But then Adam didn't want me to leave. So I thought if I stayed, I could protect you by being close. I didn't want to tell you, it would've killed me to tell you. And then he would've gone after you. And he did. After he drugged you—after he drugged you it was only then I realized how much shit I just condemned you to by staying—"

"_Be quiet_—!"

'_Cause  
>Everybody they love a winner<br>So nobody loved me  
>Lady peaceful, Lady happy<br>That's what I long to be_

Julian almost winced when he heard the anguish in Logan's voice.

He did it, everything's out.

It's like this brick that's been pressing against his chest for the past three years had finally been lifted away.

He could breathe again.

"And now that I've told you everything—because this is everything I've kept to myself all these years—now that I've told you everything—can you just _please…for the love of God_, Logan…forget everything I just said—and leave while you can! Get the hell out of here—_all of you_!"

"Julian, _shut up!_" Logan screamed. "This couldn't be real. This was a nightmare—"

_All of the odds are, they're in my favor  
>Something's bound to give in<br>It's gotta happen, happen sometime  
>Maybe this time I'll win<em>

Would he get to win? Would he even get the chance to see it?

It didn't matter.

He only hoped Logan would forget everything that he just said.

He would die in here, and Logan would live, happily ever after with someone that Julian would never get to meet.

He only hoped that guy deserved Logan.

If only he was so brave before, things might be different now.

If only he was…

0 0 0

_Logan didn't recognize any of them._

_Not Blaine, not even Derek._

_Just Kurt._

_And him._

_Out of all the people that were close, or that were once close to Logan, he recognized Julian._

_Logan wasn't in his right mind, per se, but at least he would call out for the Cheshire Cat. What went through that concrete mind at that moment, Julian didn't know. But what he did know was that a part of him didn't care how much trouble Logan would end up in if any of the adults found out the Prefect was high, nor did he care how selfish and ridiculous this sounded. _

_Julian was just - _glad_._

_This was enough for him._

0 0 0

It was as if someone had pressed the fast forward button.

Julian didn't know what happened but all of a sudden he was on Adam, trying to knock him off Blaine. Then Logan was there, swinging his axe with all his might right between Adam's shoulder blades.

And they just stood there, looking down at the Hanover's crumpled form.

When Julian was trying to register all this in, he heard Kurt whispering, "I think…I think it's over."

_It's over._

Distantly, there was someone calling, trying to locate where they were.

_It's over. We're safe._

That was when he heard the crack. It sounded like the building was collapsing. Dust was everywhere, debris was falling.

They had to get out of here.

"Those idiots actually came up here in this situation?"

_They shouldn't just run in. _

_More people, more injuries._

_And it's all because of him._

They had almost reached the fire escape and then out of nowhere, without even a warning sign, the third floor supply room exploded.

He was too shocked. He just felt himself flying, and landed on the floor, hard.

Julian tried to stay awake. He had to get out of here.

With Logan, with everyone.

For the past three years, he kept losing and he had to find out whether he had won this time. He never expected to get out of here alive but now that he had the chance, he would fight for it.

There was a very small possibility that he would win but he would find out.

He had to.

He slightly turned his head sideway and saw Logan lying next to him. With the light of the roaring fire dancing on the blond hair, it was like there was a halo around Logan's head.

He wasn't hallucinating, Logan really was an angel.

Julian's fingers slowly traveled their way across the ground.

He wanted to reach for Logan's hand and he was so close.

But his eyelids were just too heavy, he couldn't do this anymore.

He felt so tired, both physically and emotionally drained.

Just inches apart now.

_So close._

Then suddenly, everything went black.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** This is my first attempt at writing Jogan and I've never read any other Glee or Dalton!verse fanfics before so I do apologize if the characterizations aren't quite right... Please leave a comment, I would love to you hear from you guys!


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